Bedtime Battles

I need some advice. I want to know what time do your kids sleep and most importantly, how do you enforce it?!

We are a family of night owls. Starting with my husband who works a whole lot of graveyard shifts, to me, Miss Stay-up-until-3 a.m. I know, I know, you’re thinking…..What can possibly be so important that she’s up at this crazy hour?

Well, obviously you haven’t played Words with Friends. I am absolutely ADDICTED!!! Currently, I’m engaged in 10 word battles with various opponents and I’m always looking for another fix or opponent, so look me up if you want to play! (Seriously, I think I might have a problem. Is it bad when you’re all bleary eyed and exhausted, lying in bed with the iPad propped up next to you, waiting for your opponent to make his next move? Could this be grounds for divorce?)

In all seriousness, how can I, an admitted Night Owl get her kids to bed at a reasonable hour and expect them to actually stay there and fall asleep? How do you do it? Do you have a routine that you follow every night? I did when the kids were babies….downtime, bath time, reading and then bedtime, but can you even do this for a first, fourth and sixth grader anymore?

For my oldest, it’s hard. On a typical day she doesn’t get home until 7:45 p.m. and then of course she has to eat (this is when you know she’s my daughter….man, that girl can eat!). Once dinner is done, we are looking at 8:45 p.m. when she’s finally putting pen to paper…the poor thing doesn’t finish until 11 or 12 at night. Which brings me to the crux of the problem — I feel bad for her. She barely ever has down time, so when the weekend rolls around, I allow her to stay up. I know, bad mom, but I want her be able to relax and not feel she is always on the run…I want her to hang out with friends, watch TV….and VEG OUT!!!

Please tell me that I’m not the only parent that feels this way. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel as if we need to schedule in playtime and down time, leaving no time for sleep.

I know sleep is important and I know my daughter is tired, so I try to let her sleep in whenever possible….on Sundays she doesn’t emerge from the covers until 12 noon and on the weekdays, I drive her to school which gives her some more snooze time, but I’m still literally prying her out of bed. What’s a mom to do? What are your suggestions? What’s working in your household?

The other issue that I have is that my two younger kids feel that they should also be going to bed around the same time as their older sister. UGH!!! I start getting them ready for bed around 9 p.m. (okay, so here is where I should probably make some adjustments, I guess we could start heading up around 8:30pm)…they bathe, change into their PJs and brush their teeth.

Then for the next two and a half hours, the real workout begins. I stomp up the stairs, yelling, "No DS in bed!" (FYI – take all handheld video games away at night)…. I stomp back down stairs, then 15 minutes later….stomp, stomp, stomp….NO giggling…stomp, stomp, stomp…10 minutes later, back up again…NO Talking…stomp, stomp, stomp…5 minutes later... NO Jumping…stomp, stomp, stomp...Then 2 minutes later…..(as my head spins around like Linda Blair in the Exorcist) I scream up the stairs…THAT’S IT!!! GO TO SLEEEEEP! Or you’re in big, and I mean BIG trouble!

Then I hear the click, click, click sound of my dog, as he heads into his crate for the night….why can’t my kids obey like him? Ohhhhh...that’s a good boy…

* This is an article I wrote for an online news site

I'm No Tiger Mom....Or Am I?

Lately the world has been abuzz about the controversial Tiger Mom issue. Since my husband and I are both ABCs (American-born Chinese), we were naturally very curious, so, we decided to read the online excerpt of Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother on the Wall Street Journal.  

Now, it’s not that easy to define what a Tiger Mom is, and no, she is not just a strict Chinese mother (I know plenty of moms that fall into this category, and they are definitely not Chinese), but to put it simply, she is a strict mother, who expects academic excellence from her children.   

Have you read the book yet? I haven’t been able to, because it’s sold out everywhere and I am a traditional book snob—I haven’t converted to the whole digital book idea (at least not yet). 

So, I have to be content with the online excerpt. And what were our reactions? Well, my husband found it funny because, “That’s how it is growing up with a Tiger mom.” (he should know – I think that my mother-in-law wrote the original “How to” book).  Me?  Well, I can’t believe that someone actually wrote a book about this….and she’s making money off of it!  This was just how ABCs were raised. Nothing special and certainly nothing controversial about it (at least not in our eyes).   Every mom I knew back then was a Tiger mom to some extent.

Play your piano. Why didn’t you get an A+? Pam got a perfect score on her SATs, you need to study harder…blah, blah, blah.  This is what I heard growing up, though I must admit, my mom was not nearly as strict as some others.  Everything in our lives back then revolved around getting the best grades in school and preparing for our future. Chinese parents, Chinese rules no matter where you lived. 

There were no team practices or birthday parties on the weekends, we had to go to Chinese school every torturous Saturday.  I would sit there twirling my hair, convinced that the clock on the wall was broken. 

If by accident I spoke English at home, instinctively my hands would fly up and I would quickly flinch and duck, waiting for the inevitable knuckle to strike its target, which of course was my head.  I even remember one punishment I received: My parents had me kneel, facing a painfully blank white wall, with my arms outstretched  as if I were about to take flight. I had to stay there until they felt that I had fully understood my mistake, and a word to the wise….don’t even think about letting your arms down.

Now, although to some this may seem extreme, it never struck me as over the top or anything close to that.  I wasn’t a big fan of the Chinese parenting style by any means, but that’s just the way it was.   

I also had the added bonus of being the oldest, so there were and still are certain expectations that come with that title.  Lucky me!

As the oldest, I have to set an example, be the dutiful daughter and obey.  When I was applying for college, I was told that being a pharmacist was the best career for me, so a pharmacist I became.  Oh, and forget about marrying an American (i.e., Caucasian).  I was told, point blank, I would be disowned if I married anyone but a Chinese man (that’s not why I married my husband  of course – at least I don’t think that was the reason…maybe subconsciously…only kidding honey). It was also constantly drilled into me that if I didn’t do things just right, my sister and my 11 cousins would follow suit and the whole family would be ruined...my family would in Chinese terms, “lose face”…..so, no pressure... Are you serious?

I vowed back then that I would do things differently once I had children.  I’m an American, I live in America, I’m gonna raise my kids the American way. I just have a few itty bitty rules that my kids need to live by (nothing crazy…real easy) and as long as they comply, they can go on play dates, sleepovers, and sit for hours in front of the TV (much to the dismay of their grandparents) and they can choose to be whatever they want to be when they grow up.

• Rule 1:  Do your best. That’s all a mother can ask. I do not believe in the celebration of mediocrity and I expect my children to bring home good grades (AKA, the letter A).  I also expect them to do well when performing other activities (second place in is fine as long as you did your best)
• Rule 2:  Show respect or else. Meaning, listen to your elders, say please and thank you, make sure you acknowledge the adults when you see them, and don’t you dare speak back to me.
• Rule 3: Do what I ask. No questions allowed.
• Rule 4:  We must approve your future spouse (who better be a straight A student)
• Rule 5:  You are all taking care of us when we get older (or I will haunt you from the grave)

How did I do? I think some of that Tiger mom mentality may have rubbed off on me. Ok, so I may have exaggerated a little bit…their future spouses don’t have to be straight A students. What can I say, I’m learning as I go. 

I do know one thing: I just want the best for my kids. I want them to have a better life. I want them to be happy and to do things that make them smile and laugh. I don’t want them to be afraid of failure, because that is the only way we learn. I want them to live their lives, but it is my responsibility to arm them now with the skills they will need for the future.  

Am I wrong in thinking there's a bit of Tiger mom in all of us? We may not necessarily have all the traits, but we are not as different as we may think.  We all want the best for our children.  Some of us may be more over the top than others, but who is to say which is the better way? What are your thoughts? Is there a Tiger mom in you?

* This is an article that I wrote for an online news site