Carving Out Me Time

How many times have you heard yourself say...."Let's get together when things settle down"...."I can't wait for this week to be over"...."Just one more thing and then I can relax"...."Thank God it's Friday"?

For me, these phrases are constantly popping out of my mouth. But the fact of the matter is.... Things NEVER settle down....the week is NEVER over, it just continues....there is always ONE more thing that needs to be done.....and Friday?! Friday is just as bad, because that means the next day, the kids have games, practices, birthday parties and anything else that we couldn't fit in during the regular week.

....sniff....sniff....

I once wrote about being totally overwhelmed in Mom Overloaded and guess what? It hasn't gotten any better.

Some days, I just want to throw in the towel and run away....run far, far away....still running....you think I'm thinking of something to say? Nope, just picturing myself running in a field of beautiful flowers on a golden summer day....butterflies flitting from flower to flower.....bees searching for nectar....and a white stallion with a handsome young kn--......huh?!

Sorry, got carried away....back to the post. Ummmmmm...... wait.....I have to go back and re-read what I wrote, won't take but a minute for me to gather my thoughts....

Right, I was running away. 

Well, in reality, I can't run away. There's no running in a field of flowers or  chasing pretty little butterflies and certainly no "golden summer day".....it's freakin' cold here!!!!!

So, in an effort to avoid a one way trip to Shutter Island, I need to carve out some ME time.

Yesterday, I decided that I seriously needed to relax, so I picked up the phone, called the salon and voila! Here I am....relaxing....ok, maybe not totally relaxing - I'm finishing up this blog....but it is a creative outlet for me, so that's a good thing.

The staff at the salon were cracking up at this photo -- I love it!

No, I haven't lost it yet...hanging out at The Chateau Salon

Here is my challenge to you. Today, I want you to find a morsel of time in your crazy nutty schedule, even if it's just for 10 minutes.....lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to (although that doesn't deter my kids) and breathe.

....relax.....do something fun....do something for yourself....

....cause if we don't carve out a little time for ourselves......you and I will be bunk mates carving out our names in a cinder block wall on Shutter Island.

How do you find time to relax?

Three for Me

It snowed again last night, kids had a 90 minute delay and I want Spring to come! Here are three things that I love....and snow isn't one of them!

1. My Mom. I love my mom. She's been the pillar in my life for which I have leaned upon time and time again. She gives without hesitation, expecting nothing in return and loves me unconditionally....even when I have disappointed her and broken her heart. Being the oldest of eight, my mom has taken care of her family since she was very young. She started working full time at the age of sixteen, got her degree in accounting, landed her first job in America with only a smile (she didn't say a word at the interview because she couldn't really speak English), raised two daughters and is now a grandma to five very lucky grandkids. Today is her birthday and I just wanted to say.....thanks mom for always being there for me and for loving me, even when I didn't deserve it. I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday!

2. Kilts & Bagpipes. Yes, you read that right.....for some very odd reason, and for as long as I can remember, I've always fancied men in kilts who can play a mean bagpipe. One of my favorite bagpipe memories occurred years ago when our good friend played the bagpipe at his wedding in Edinburgh. He wore his family tartan, proudly representing his clan and played a beautiful melody for his new wife. So romantic......hmmmmm.... do you think my husband would be willing to put on a kilt and take bagpipe lessons...yea, I didn't think so. Well, lucky for me St Patrick's day has given me a little fix to hold me over until the next parade....so, whether you're a Irishman or a Scotsman.... here's to all the men in kilts who play the pipes. Cheers! Here's a picture of our friends as they were leaving the church....it was such magical day... (I had a picture of the groom playing the bagpipes, but I didn't want to post it without his permission, so I decided to go with my favorite picture from that day)

G + C = beautiful couple

3. Brigadoon. I can't talk about MIK (Men in Kilts) and bagpipes without thinking of this movie. Brigadoon is one of my favorite movies from the Golden Age of Hollywood. Its a love story between a man who happens upon a Scottish village, that only appears for only one day every one hundred years, and a woman named Fiona, who is bound by the curse of her village. It's a musical starring none other than the great Gene Kelly and beautiful Cyd Charisse....it's old Hollywood and I love it. If you are a lover of old Hollywood musicals and you enjoy wonderfully choreographed dance routines, this is a must.

Something's Gotta Give

Did you think that once you left high school you would ever feel peer pressure again? Well, it’s there, whether you call it peer pressure, mommy pressure or keeping up with the Joneses…the real question is do you succumb to it or have you finally realized that it doesn’t matter?

You know what I’m talking about… remember way back when, as soon as people heard you were pregnant, the onslaught began…are you drinking a glass of wine? Did you just eat that piece of sushi? Don’t tell me you’re getting an epidural, it’s so bad for the baby... you should really make your own baby food because all that processed stuff is so bad…Are you going to keep working after the baby comes, because it’s good for kids to see their mom working…Oh no, you shouldn’t work, because it’s good for the kids to have you at home…Ugh.….Leave me ALONE!!!! 

Why do people they feel they have the right to impose their thoughts or opinions on new moms or any one for that matter (probably, because they have nothing better to do and they think that what they have to say really matters to you….NOT). If I wanted to know what you’re thinking, believe me, I’ll ask.

I tried not to let those little snippets of advice bother me, but when you’re a newbie mom, those comments start to fester and soon you’re questioning yourself and wondering if you’re really cut out for this whole mom thing.

I can remember when my daughter was just a toddler, listening to all the moms talk about THE pre-school to enroll your child in….it’s the best, how could anyone think about putting their child in another school.

Shoot, I thought (being a new mom and falsely thinking I didn’t know what’s best for my child), I better check it out and make sure I get my daughter into this so called amazing school; otherwise, the other moms are going to think that I don’t care about her future and I might destroy any possibilities of her ever succeeding and becoming a contributing member of this society. I’m already way behind…she's 2 already…. (Seriously? Was I the only one who thought this way?)

How many of you have thought to yourselves as you sat in a playgroup, smiling at all the other moms, nodding your head in agreement and secretly thinking… Oh my GOD!!!! That’s it. My child’s doomed! She’s gonna be flipping burgers at the local grease pit when she grows up…She’s not potty trained, Max is potty trained… she’s not reading, and Hillary’s been reading since last week….crap, she’s not even speaking in full sentences like Taylor! (your head starts to spin and your stomach begins to churn…panic ensues).

When you get home, like a complete maniac, you seize the computer from your husband’s hands and scour the internet for information on how best to potty train your child in three easy steps. You buy phonics cards and DVDs to teach her how to speak and just for good measure, you put the French language DVD into your shopping cart too, so you can one up the other moms…showing how diverse your family is (ok, maybe that’s going a bit too far). In the mean time, your husband thinks you’ve fallen off the deep end, and is trying to remind you that your child is only TWO!!! Relax honey….RELAX!! I can’t relax! Do you know how far behind we are? Do you want to support her for the rest of your life?

Mommy pressure at its best. But wait, it doesn’t stop there…

Now that your child is enrolled in that coveted so-called amazing pre-school (and it’s costing you an arm and a leg), how many of you think to yourselves, that you might be slightly inadequate as a mom? You glance around at the other moms and you start to get that sinking feeling that you’re not up to par. Tommy’s mom is doing this and that for the class, while Ashley’s mom is heading up this group and that committee….you’re slacking kiddo… (And how in the world do they always look so put together? Damn it! I need a new haircut).  

So, what do you do? You start pitching in, telling the school that you can help them with anything they need and you start volunteering for various committees so that you too are a concerned parent, actively involved in your child’s education. (By the way, don’t forget to get the laundry done, clean the house, pay the bills, buy the groceries, wash the dog, take the kids to their activities and have a healthy dinner ready on time.)

Take it from a mom who has been around the block a few times. Don’t fall victim to the perfect mom perception. There is NO such thing. Believe me, I’ve tried to do it all, making homemade baby food, organizing play dates and five star luncheons, sewing blankets and quilts for the needy and anyone else I could think of, crafting, working, cooking and…eventually, crying because I couldn’t do it all perfectly and I hated my hair cut.  

We have the power to make our lives easier if we just come clean — admit to all the other moms that we are not these Picture Perfect-Super-Talented-Can Do-Moms, with perfectly coiffed hair and expertly applied makeup.

Let me be the first to be honest with you.  I am a crazed mom of three kids and one dog that drives me absolutely batty. I have a thousand things on my plate and my daily calendar is always full. I drive my kids to school with my PJs on and my hair sticking up at all angles. I can’t, for the life of me, keep my house tidy. No matter how many times I vacuum and straighten, papers and magazines are always strewn across the counter and I’m constantly picking up my sofa pillows from the ground (FYI – only buy sofas that have cushions securely attached to the body of the couch).

 My laundry basket needs to be the size of a garbage can, because it’s always overflowing and it’s been a good day if you reach for a shirt and it’s not wrinkled. I try to tackle the ever growing mountain of dirty dishes, just to be defeated in the next round as my kids find it necessary to grab a new cup every time they want a drink of water. The beds are almost never made, the kids rooms are always covered from floor to ceiling with clothing (beware of the rolled up socks….ohhhh….smelly ).

I’m constantly repeating myself, not because I like to hear myself talk, but because my family tends to tune me out when it comes to homework, practicing their instruments, cleaning their rooms or taking baths.

 Junk food? Yes, I buy junk food…I let my kids eat cookies, brownies, chips, dips, ice cream, fries (I can’t resist Mickey D’s fries) and a whole slew of other processed foods. And our meals, hmmmm...that can range from anything in a box or a can to something-kinda-sorta fresh.

Do I feel inadequate sometimes? Yes. Do I compare myself to other moms? Yes. Do I feel like I sometimes want to scream and throw things? Yes. And do I cry? Yes.  

I’ve cried behind closed doors, frustrated that I couldn’t stay on top of things, thinking that I suck as a mom and that I’m doing a terrible job. But now, after having been a mom for 12 years, my advice to the newbies… Trust yourself.

We are not in a competition. We don’t need to do it ALL. What we need to do is do what’s right for our families. Stop worrying about what others are thinking and doing, because trust me, if you take a closer look, they’re not doing it all either…something’s gotta give.

* This is an article I wrote for an online news site

I'm No Tiger Mom....Or Am I?

Lately the world has been abuzz about the controversial Tiger Mom issue. Since my husband and I are both ABCs (American-born Chinese), we were naturally very curious, so, we decided to read the online excerpt of Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother on the Wall Street Journal.  

Now, it’s not that easy to define what a Tiger Mom is, and no, she is not just a strict Chinese mother (I know plenty of moms that fall into this category, and they are definitely not Chinese), but to put it simply, she is a strict mother, who expects academic excellence from her children.   

Have you read the book yet? I haven’t been able to, because it’s sold out everywhere and I am a traditional book snob—I haven’t converted to the whole digital book idea (at least not yet). 

So, I have to be content with the online excerpt. And what were our reactions? Well, my husband found it funny because, “That’s how it is growing up with a Tiger mom.” (he should know – I think that my mother-in-law wrote the original “How to” book).  Me?  Well, I can’t believe that someone actually wrote a book about this….and she’s making money off of it!  This was just how ABCs were raised. Nothing special and certainly nothing controversial about it (at least not in our eyes).   Every mom I knew back then was a Tiger mom to some extent.

Play your piano. Why didn’t you get an A+? Pam got a perfect score on her SATs, you need to study harder…blah, blah, blah.  This is what I heard growing up, though I must admit, my mom was not nearly as strict as some others.  Everything in our lives back then revolved around getting the best grades in school and preparing for our future. Chinese parents, Chinese rules no matter where you lived. 

There were no team practices or birthday parties on the weekends, we had to go to Chinese school every torturous Saturday.  I would sit there twirling my hair, convinced that the clock on the wall was broken. 

If by accident I spoke English at home, instinctively my hands would fly up and I would quickly flinch and duck, waiting for the inevitable knuckle to strike its target, which of course was my head.  I even remember one punishment I received: My parents had me kneel, facing a painfully blank white wall, with my arms outstretched  as if I were about to take flight. I had to stay there until they felt that I had fully understood my mistake, and a word to the wise….don’t even think about letting your arms down.

Now, although to some this may seem extreme, it never struck me as over the top or anything close to that.  I wasn’t a big fan of the Chinese parenting style by any means, but that’s just the way it was.   

I also had the added bonus of being the oldest, so there were and still are certain expectations that come with that title.  Lucky me!

As the oldest, I have to set an example, be the dutiful daughter and obey.  When I was applying for college, I was told that being a pharmacist was the best career for me, so a pharmacist I became.  Oh, and forget about marrying an American (i.e., Caucasian).  I was told, point blank, I would be disowned if I married anyone but a Chinese man (that’s not why I married my husband  of course – at least I don’t think that was the reason…maybe subconsciously…only kidding honey). It was also constantly drilled into me that if I didn’t do things just right, my sister and my 11 cousins would follow suit and the whole family would be ruined...my family would in Chinese terms, “lose face”…..so, no pressure... Are you serious?

I vowed back then that I would do things differently once I had children.  I’m an American, I live in America, I’m gonna raise my kids the American way. I just have a few itty bitty rules that my kids need to live by (nothing crazy…real easy) and as long as they comply, they can go on play dates, sleepovers, and sit for hours in front of the TV (much to the dismay of their grandparents) and they can choose to be whatever they want to be when they grow up.

• Rule 1:  Do your best. That’s all a mother can ask. I do not believe in the celebration of mediocrity and I expect my children to bring home good grades (AKA, the letter A).  I also expect them to do well when performing other activities (second place in is fine as long as you did your best)
• Rule 2:  Show respect or else. Meaning, listen to your elders, say please and thank you, make sure you acknowledge the adults when you see them, and don’t you dare speak back to me.
• Rule 3: Do what I ask. No questions allowed.
• Rule 4:  We must approve your future spouse (who better be a straight A student)
• Rule 5:  You are all taking care of us when we get older (or I will haunt you from the grave)

How did I do? I think some of that Tiger mom mentality may have rubbed off on me. Ok, so I may have exaggerated a little bit…their future spouses don’t have to be straight A students. What can I say, I’m learning as I go. 

I do know one thing: I just want the best for my kids. I want them to have a better life. I want them to be happy and to do things that make them smile and laugh. I don’t want them to be afraid of failure, because that is the only way we learn. I want them to live their lives, but it is my responsibility to arm them now with the skills they will need for the future.  

Am I wrong in thinking there's a bit of Tiger mom in all of us? We may not necessarily have all the traits, but we are not as different as we may think.  We all want the best for our children.  Some of us may be more over the top than others, but who is to say which is the better way? What are your thoughts? Is there a Tiger mom in you?

* This is an article that I wrote for an online news site