Mom-Petitors

Now, I feel that it is safe to say that we are all very proud of our children and of their accomplishments, whether big or small. I also feel that it is safe to say that most adults would be happy to hear about accomplishments that other children have achieved, whether they received straight A’s on a report card, or have become an accomplished musician or athlete, or if they are just an all around great kid. However, what do you do when you come face to face with a hard core "Mom-petitor"? 

What's a Mom-petitor? Oh, you know.....one ofthose mom's who likes to compare her child to everyone else's, just to make sure that they are where they should be, which in her mind is ahead of yours. 

Have you run into any of these lovely women? I must say that so far my experience in Franklin Lakes has been very pleasant, although I can't say the same for some of my girlfriends (pssst....don't worry.....what goes around comes around....) 

Now, when I was a kid, I was an unwilling participant to the "let's compare our kids" madness. Mind you, my mother was a "Tiger Mom", albeit a lenient one and all her friends were pretty much the same. Unfortunately for my dear mother, I never seemed to be considered one of the "top" kids in our group of friends. It was always, so and so scored a perfect SAT score, so and so got into Harvard, so and so got into Medical school, so and so surprised her mother with a brand new Mercedes for her birthday...can I barf now? Ugh, seriously....a Mercedes why not the Porsche?Please… 

It wasn't that my mom sought out this information that made me feel totally inferior, on the contrary, she tried her best to avoid these discussions (I would too if I had a daughter like me, but that's a story for another day). However, when you're standing face to face, or stuck in a corner with one of these competitive, no EQ type of mom, you have no choice but to listen and try to smile politely as you secretly grind your teeth and wring your hands, hoping that something catastrophic would occur so you could make your escape (which of course never happens). 

I grew up hating...absolutely despising some of the kids in our community. Even to this day if my mom mentions "so and so's" name I cringed! I know, I know, I'm older now and I should be able to look past all that, but those crazy "mom-petitors" made my life miserable when I was younger and I honestly think that they scarred me. 

In fact, one evening a bunch of our old college friends got together for dinner in New York. We were having a blast, talking and laughing while the kids all played nicely in the family room. All of a sudden a friend of ours says, "Hey kids, let's all come to the piano and have a little concert. You can all play a piece that you have been working on. How does that sound?" WHAT!?  How does that sound? It sounds awful! 

As I watched the children file into the living room, everything suddenly went into slow motion as if in one of those action movies.....I leaped over the kitchen table, stumbled across the hallway into the living room, yanked my two kids from the lineup, glanced at my imaginary watch, hollered to the hostess that we had to leave because it was getting late, as I tossed our shoes and jackets into my bag and flew out of the house. Made it….we’re safe….whew! That was close! 

Have you ever been in a situation where you fled the scene of an impending "kid comparison" setup? How did you cope with the situation? 

Alright, perhaps I overreacted just a tad, but I never liked being compared to other kids when I was younger and I don't want to put my children through that either. I want my kids to be confident in whom they are and not undermine them by comparing them to others. Now, mind you, I am by no means saying that I don't occasionally compare my kids to other children...I am, after all, still human.......I'm not perfect (believe it or not....hee hee). 

So to all the "mom-petitors" out there, I'm happy that your child was potty trained right out of the womb, and that they can speak 3 languages at age four, take college courses while in elementary school and earn $60,000 just over the summer......but, can they do this?!......oh, right.....you can't see me......oh well, it's probably for the better....

*This is an article that I wrote for an online news site

Grounded in Franklin Lakes

Sitting here in the Franklin Lakes Starbucks, typing on my iPad and watching the people come in and out....men, women, teens, kids and babies, a question popped into my mind, as I watch a young teen ask for some complicated concoction from the ever friendly staff. How in the world do you stay grounded in a town such as this? Better yet, how do we ensure that our children stay grounded? 

It's wonderful to be living here....it's beautiful and quiet...we've got a good school system with great teachers...I've made some amazing friends...I found a hairstylist that knows exactly what I want (we all know how difficult that is....thanks Vic for your cutting edge style....ahem....check out The Chateau Salon)...and it's been interesting to see how many times I have to tell my kids...I don't care if so and so has such and such, we are not getting it! 

Does this conversation come up in your household? Am I the only one who feels that kids these days are way too spoiled?

You see, if you are new to town or to any of the surrounding towns in Bergen County, let me give you a brief overview of life with kids in an affluent town. You will notice that I have only covered a few topics, but it will give you a good idea of what I'm talking about (this of course is only the opinion of a lowly Franklin Lakes Housewife).

•  Computers: With all the advancements in technology, our kids now have the luxury of accessing the world wide web (do you think kids even know what www stands for?.....ha ha ha) from an itty bitty sherbet colored, blinged out smartphone (can you tell I have girls?) but, it doesn't stop there. Nooooo.....one day as you're looking around your house, feeling good that you are able to provide your family with two PC laptops and now an Apple computer (not to mention the cell phone that you just bestowed upon you oldest daughter), your ever loving child will ask you for her own Apple laptop....are you serious? Why? Oh.....because your friends all have their own and you don't want to deal with other peoples accounts on the main computer.....I see, well then...FORGET IT!  We're family, deal with it. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to even have a computer? When I was your age, we didn't have cellphones, personal computers, DSs...the most exciting thing I remember as a kid was the electric typewriter...spoiled kids (grumble grumble)... 

•  Houses: After years of hard work, you and your spouse have finally purchased a house in beautiful Franklin Lakes. It’s everything you dreamed of...there's plenty of room for the kids to roam, they each have a separate bedroom, you have a kitchen that allows more than one person in at a time and you actually have a yard....then, your child goes on their first playdate and comes home, takes a good look around and says...so and so house is sooooo big and beautiful...how come our house isn't like that? What?! Who says its not?!  Pop-pitty-pop...pop...pop... Your little happy bubble just collapsed and you look around at the broken steps, fallen gutters, dug up lawn (courtesy of the four legged pet you agreed to in a moment of weakness) and you decide to take this Hallmark moment and make it into a learning experience. Do you realize that we are very lucky to be living here? Daddy works very hard so that we can live in this house...plus, how can mommy make the house look nice when you guys never pick up after yourselves, you eat in every room...leaving crumbs everywhere, Kiki (the furry destroyer of all things) tracks mud and dirt into the house and you guys constantly bounce from bed to sofa as if on a trampoline...there is NO way I'm getting nice furniture until you are all off to college...and that includes the dog!!! Ridiculous!

•  Clothing, shoes, etc:  Now, I must say that so far I've been pretty lucky when it comes to my kids wanting certain things....that is...so far, they are pretty much content with driving me insane with all the electronic stuff (ugh). However, I'm sure that designer jeans, brand name tops, juicy this and couture that are all in our near future. How can we avoid it...honestly? You know you’re in trouble when a kindergartener is told her family must be poor because she always wears the same shoes to school, or when your teenage daughter has accumulated a thousand and one outfits in one year because she can't possibly wear the same dress twice...are you kidding me?Have you encountered anything as bizarre as this?

You see, although I love living here, I must say that it comes at a price. 

Among the mini mansions, luxury cars, state of the art digital apparatus and couture clothing, how do our kids stand a chance?  How skewed will our children’s view on life be? And how do we keep them from becoming self-important little monsters who feel as if they are entitled to anything and everything?

I want to be a good mother, but how can I steer my kids straight when my own compass wavers on occasion....and doesn’t always point due North? (I really did need those shoes....I’ve been looking for that perfect shade of red...and, now all I need is a dress to go with it....What? I’ve put in my time...a girl’s gotta have something...)

But all kidding aside, it’s very important to me that my kids know that they can’t have everything their little hearts desire. Just because a friend has something doesn't mean that they have to have it too. So, for now, if they ask me for something that I feel is not a real necessity, I resort to a firm “No”, or an occasional “maybe” and in a desperate attempt to end all conversation, a teeth baring, guttural, crazed eye “NO! And if you ask me one more time, you're in big trouble....and I mean it!!!” 

Do you have the same concerns? How do you keep your kids grounded in Franklin Lakes?

Well, that’s it for today, I just finished my venti-decaf-light-mocha-frappucino-no whip and....oh my god, is that the NEW iPad....it’s so thin...and that cover is sooo cool....huh (as I glance down at my own “older” iPad, it suddenly feels so heavy)...man, this thing feels like a brick...I think a lighter version would be a lot better...hmmm...

* This is an article I wrote for an online news site

Caution: Cyber Space Ahead

Ching chong, ling long, ting tong......Oh no she dinn’t....please tell me that girl didn't just do that? Are you kidding me?! 

Now, before I get on my little soap-box, let me explain to you what has gotten the Asian-American community and other minority groups up in arms. 

Two weeks ago, a UCLA student, Alexander Wallace, decided to post a video of herself as she rants about the Asians in her school. Now, let me go on the record and say that I agree with Ms. Wallace’s original intent, which was probably – “Don’t talk on the phone in the library.” However, it was the manner in which this message was delivered that got people in an uproar (and now it’s in cyberspace, taking on a life of its own).

In a fairly short amount of time, Wallace was able to demonstrate the difficulties in mastering the Chinese language (hence, my intro), she validated the fact that all Asians are the same and that geography doesn’t matter (FYI – the tsunami occurred in Japan not China – two totally different countries…they don’t speak the same language...they don’t even like each other) and she has successfully shown the world that the United States is still struggling with issues of race.

Have you seen this video yet? Well, Wallace has actually removed her original post, but as we all know, once it’s out in the cyberspace, there is no getting it back. 

Now, after much contemplation and discussion with my lawyers, I have decided to keep my fingers at bay in regards to my opinions on what Ms. Wallace was thinking…nope, I’m not going to rant on and on about this ignorant girl, but as an American of Asian descent, let me just say…what the *bleep* was she thinking? 

Ok, ok….calm down…breathe….just breathe…ohm-mmmmmm …I’m going to my happy place now…

Forget it, yoga is not gonna to help. UGH! Isn’t it funny that even though I am now an adult and a mother of three, I can still be affected by something so idiotic?!  Am I being silly? Possibly.

Well, after this “polite, American girl” posted her little rant, her vlog went viral and people went ballistic. I’m sure she had no idea how offensive her remarks were or how significant the repercussions would be and how, by posting a short little video, her life would change.

A couple of days after the post, the Chancellor of UCLA made a public statement voicing his disappointment, Wallace soon issued an apology and has since left the school and returned home. 

I guess she’s learned her lesson. 

But what was her lesson? What can we all take away from this, whether we’re Asian, White, Black, Latino or Alien (a nod to Katy Perry's new song – which I can’t stop singing)?   

Well, there is a lot that we can learn from this whole situation and a lot that we can share with our children, but the one issue that I wanted my kids to learn, besides the fact that racism is a huge No-No, is that once you put something out on the internet, you can never get it back.

Here, in Franklin Lakes, we’ve got young kids who have smartphones, iPads, laptops up the wahzoo...they have continuous access to the internet, which means that they can post pictures, type entries, upload videos to their Facebook accounts (yes….kids have FB accounts) or any other social network site at anytime. 

This also means that we, as parents, need to constantly remind our sweet little angels (this term is used loosely) that they need to be careful and understand that there are consequences to things that they do.

As a parent, I do try to explain to my oldest, who’s currently in FAMS, that with all this amazing technology come responsibilities. She needs to know that everything she types in an email, words that she uses in a text, photos that she takes and videos that she makes with her friends need to be done thoughtfully, because in the end, she will be held accountable for her action if they have been used to cause pain to others or even to herself (believe me, if she can’t get a job in the future because she posted a picture of herself partying it up, I’m not gonna be a very happy mama….to say the least….)

What advice do you have on how to teach kids this very important lesson? How do we make them understand that they are accountable when it comes to things they post and put on the internet, and that sometimes the result of their actions can be devastating?  

Before you hit that send button, or click on the share link or post a comment….stop and think, because once it’s out there you can never get it back.

*But of course, if you’re reading this article, you better click on the share button right away and post a nice comment or I will call in the Triad to take care of business.

*This is an article I wrote for an online news site